She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
