to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
