My first STD was from a foam party
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
