Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
