I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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