I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
