I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
