After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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