I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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