Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
