literally had 100 drinks last night.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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