My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
