Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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