i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
