How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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