girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
