My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
