just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
