I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So many bounce houses so little time
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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