she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
it hurts more in the daytime
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
