just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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