Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
