Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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