hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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