Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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