Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
