the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
