Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
