Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I didn't notice because vodka
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
