You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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