Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i now understand why vodka
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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