I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Sober January is a disaster.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
