I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
