Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
