mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
This is my gift to your gina
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
