Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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