they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
