Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
