just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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