I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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