If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
