dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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