Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
