No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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