Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
