my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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