I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize