I accidentally burped into my bong.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
