I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
