i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
