way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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