I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
