you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
