If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Is her dick bigger than yours?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
