I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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