it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
people are starting to question the shark bite story
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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