my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
