I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
