Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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