My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
